Reflections on Feminism and Loving Men

Hi, I am a feminist therapist, and I love men.

There’s a persistent myth that feminism is fundamentally anti-male. As a therapist who practices from a radical inclusive feminist lens, I want to be clear: that idea doesn’t just miss the point—it actively keeps people stuck. A feminism worth anything is one that expands care, dignity, and emotional freedom for everyone, including men.

At the heart of this perspective is the work of Bell Hooks, who wrote extensively about love, domination, and the ways patriarchy distorts our humanity across genders. She was explicit: patriarchy is not synonymous with “men.” It’s a system—a set of rules—that teaches domination, emotional restriction, and hierarchy as normal. And while men often benefit from certain aspects of that system, they are also deeply harmed by it.

Patriarchy Hurts Men, Too

As Bell Hooks wrote in The Will to Change: Men, Masculinity, and Love (2004), from a young age, many boys are taught to suppress vulnerability, equate worth with performance, and disconnect from their emotional lives. They learn that tenderness is weakness, that asking for help is failure, and that anger is the only acceptable expression of pain. These aren’t inherent traits—they’re adaptations to a system that punishes softness.

In therapy, this shows up in very real ways:

• Difficulty identifying or naming emotions

• Shame around needing support

• Isolation masked as independence

• Coping through avoidance, overwork, substances, or reactivity

These aren’t individual flaws. They’re learned survival strategies in a culture that often denies men access to compassionate care.

Why Feminism Must Include Men

If feminism is about dismantling oppressive systems and building a more humane world, then excluding men from that project makes no sense. In fact, it undermines the work.

Men need:

• Spaces where emotional expression is normalized

• Models of masculinity that include care, accountability, and connection

• Permission to unlearn harmful scripts without shame

• Support in building relational, reflective, and ethical lives

When men are cut off from these things, the impact ripples outward—into relationships, families, workplaces, and communities. Supporting men in their growth isn’t a distraction from feminist work. It is feminist work.

Therapy Is for Men

Therapy offers something many men have been denied: a structured, nonjudgmental space to feel, reflect, and grow. But access isn’t just about availability—it’s about invitation.

We have to actively interrupt the messages that say:

• “Therapy is only for crisis”

• “Talking about feelings is weak”

• “You should be able to handle it yourself”

A radically inclusive feminist therapist doesn’t just wait for men to show up—we challenge the barriers that keep them away. That means naming the impact of patriarchy without shaming, holding accountability without stripping dignity, and creating a space where men can practice being fully human.

Interrupting the System

If patriarchy limits men’s emotional lives, then part of the work is disruption:

• Encouraging emotional literacy in boys and men

• Challenging peer cultures that reward detachment or domination

• Expanding definitions of strength to include vulnerability

• Advocating for mental health access that feels relevant and safe for men

This isn’t about centering men at the expense of others. It’s about recognizing that systems of harm are interconnected—and so is healing.

A Feminism Rooted in Love

Bell Hooks often wrote about love as a transformative force—not just romantic love, but a deep commitment to care, justice, and mutual growth. A feminism rooted in that kind of love doesn’t exclude. It invites.

Men don’t need to be fixed or excused. They need space to unlearn, to be accountable, and to reconnect with parts of themselves that were shut down for survival.

Therapy is for men.
Feminism is for men.
And a more compassionate world depends on whether we’re willing to act like that’s true.
——

Reference:
Hooks, bell (2004). The Will to Change: Men, Masculinity, and Love. Atria Books.

This piece was written by Lauren O'Brien, a psychotherapist and licensed clinical social worker located in California. Lauren is a member of Los Angeles Sex Therapy and provides services virtually throughout California. If you would like to know more about her practice or are interested in services, she can be contacted at lauren@lastcollective.org